The “BDSMR” checklist—an acronym for 'Boundaries, Desires, STDs, Meaning, Relationships—to ensure that you’re honoring yourself, your partner, and both of your souls in any sexual exchange. BDSMR stands for:
- Boundaries; asking and answering, "Do you have any boundaries?"
- e.g. "I just want to kiss", "I would like to keep clothes on", etc.
- Desires; asking and answering, "What are your desires?"
- e.g. "I want to suck on your lip", "I want to get in the shower", etc.
- STD/STIs; asking and answering, "Do you have any STIs? When were you last tested?"
- e.g. "I was last tested on [date] and tested negative for [X,Y, Z]."
- Meaning; asking and answering, "What does this encounter mean to/for you?"
- e.g. "If we have sex then we are moving forward with commitment" or "just exploring"
- Relationships; asking and answering, "Are there significant others in your life right now?"
- e.g. "Are you in an open relationship?", "Have you newly started seeing someone?", etc. The concept and language was crafted by tantra teacher, Shachar Caspi, along his journey from Israeli sniper to sexual shaman. Shachar believes in the explosive power of sexual healing and supports each individual in his or her most authentic expression of love. The BDSMR framework was introduced to me by @Shar Ghoudsifar when he shared a podcast by Shannon Algeo in 2019. I started using it in monogamous dating and—much later—in @Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM). I eventually turned it into a Google Doc template, but ultimately realized I'd become too reliant on the structure and started to learn to use it verbally—and eventually without explaining it to partners (e.g. if a partner offers a boundary of "nothing below the belt tonight" then the STI conversation gets punted to another day).
Related
References
Contexts
- #consensual-non-monogamy (See: @Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM))
- #consensual-non-monogamy-lexicon (See: @Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM) Glossary)
- #sexuality-lexicon